Is the Name “Gabe” the Lamest Name On the Planet?


March 26, 2013 9:00 AM by Billy Heywood

GabeSo this weekend I went to my usual NCAA Tourney spot around the block from me. Good beer specials and I know the bartender so by “specials” I mean unlimited beers for a $25 tip. At this spot, there is a restaurant section. During the playoffs, for whatever sport, the waiters/waitresses wear their favorite team’s jersey, but they write their own name on some white sport tape and put it over the players name or whatever shit.

So, while drinking alone I glance over and see a waiter rocking a Nebraska basketball jersey, a fauxhawk, armbands, and an earring. The back of his jersey “Gabe!,” exclamation point and all. Minus the obvious (hair, armbands and earrings), the name stood out to me the most.


As I watched my bracket crumble like every Jets season, I started thinking, is “Gabe” the lamest name in the history of names? I asked myself if I ever had a hypothetical child, would I choose the name Gabe or Gabriel over any other name in the world?

Cornelius? Absolutely.

Fulton? Yes. And I would force him to skip school, wear denim and plaid, and play hockey in only alleyways.

Ashton? Lame name, but 100 times better than Gabe.

Kyle? Probably the only competition with Gabe, but Kyle is at least respectable…

If anyone thinks of a more lame or lamer (fuck grammar, whatevs) name than Gabe get at us.


2 thoughts on “Is the Name “Gabe” the Lamest Name On the Planet?

  1. Smash says:


    Todd is singlehandedly the worst name any guy can have.

  2. Fr. Nelson says:

    Gabe is short for Gabriel as in the ArchAngel who is BAD ASS

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