Wisconsin Limiting Its Nude Beach Hours

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March 19, 2013 3:15 PM by Smash

Wiconsin BeachUSA Today – Wisconsin officials say they will close down a well-known nude beach on weekdays to reduce problems with outdoor sex and drug use.

Nudists from around the country have been traveling to the beach near Mazomanie for decades, and the state Department of Natural Resources has been struggling for years to curtail sex and drug use there. Wardens arrested 26 people for illicit sex and 16 people for drugs during just nine days of surveillance in 2011.

The agency announced Tuesday it will close the beach, surrounding islands and wooded areas on weekdays beginning immediately. Warden Nate Kroeplin says that’s when most of the illegal activity takes place.

Talk about a blow to the state of Wisconsin! I’m not sure where to start with this one. I guess the fact that there’s a nude beach in Wisconsin? That’s 100% news to me. Why they have one I’m not sure. Here’s something I’m not surprised at at all: people were doing drugs and having sex at a nude beach. Why is that not surprising? Here’s why:

The people who go to nude beaches are not the type you’d want to see nude. It’s the hippies, free spirits, fat, and old people. You’re not going to have a couple 10’s strutting their shit up and down the beach only for some fat 67 year old to be whackin it in the dunes…metal detector in one hand, flaccid D in another.

The drugs are the same reason. The same hippies are the ones doing weird shit. Naked hippies getting stoned. Again, no surprise here.

The second biggest surprise to there even being a nude beach in Wisconsin is the whole people having sex on a beach thing. This is one of those things that sounds great on paper but terrible in reality. All I can imagine is sand EVERYWHERE. There amount of friction going on would probably send someone to the hospital. If you’ve ever been to the beach, you know the deal with sand. Even if you don’t open your car door, sand will somehow make its way in. So sex on a beach…it’ll probably end up inside you too.

Lets also not forget this is a nude beach on a lake…in Wisconsin. Pretty sure you could only use it for about 16 days before it’s cold again anyway. Shrinkage city.

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