I Have a Bone to Pick With Einstein Bagels

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March 14, 2013 2:02 PM by Smash

Einstein-Bros-BagelsThis has been bothering me since the first time I stepped foot into Einstein Bagels. You order a bagel and you want cream cheese on it? Nice fucking try. You’re getting “schmear” on it. That’s right. It’s not called cream cheese there.

1. It is the worst fucking name for a food and 2. All I hear is an old Jewish woman ordering a bagel in my head every time I see the word.

I’m thinking the only viable reason for them calling it “schmear” and not “cream cheese” is because it’s not actually cream cheese but some fake bullshit. It’s like when you eat a pizza lunchable and it’s “pepperoni flavored sausage” or something says “fruit” juice. It may taste like the real thing but it’s just a disguise. Just phony cream cheese hiding as schmear. This is how wars start.

As terrible as the word is, I can give it a little bit of a break cause their cream cheese is straight fire. Whipped so it’s easy to spread and they hit you with some top notch flavors. Sun dried tomato is a cream cheese game changer. Hits your taste buds right in the dick. 10/10.

But seriously Einstein, cut the shit. It’s cream cheese…not “schhhhhhhhmear.” Gross.

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