Weighing the Best Drunk Food Options


March 6, 2013 2:01 PM by Smash


I’ve been thinking of this question for a long time. As one of the biggest drunk eaters I know, this is something that needs to be discussed. I’m talking, from the moment I open my first beer, I’m thinking of what I’ll be eating later that night. Living in a big city, the possibilities are endless.

Now, lets see what we can go with:

Fast Food:

Hands down the favorite of the bunch, fast food is quick and it’s delicious while drunk. For me, it’s usually McDonald’s or Taco Bell, but we can’t just limit ourselves like that. Any and all national fast food restaurant basically works (if you’re going to Long John Silvers just stop reading). At the time, you can somehow eat about double what you usually put down. One double cheeseburger? Lets try two or even three. Medium fries? LARGE FRIES. Obviously, the biggest downside is in the morning. What seemed like a great idea and was extremely satisfying at the time, you’re now spending the next 3-4 hours on the shitter expelling demons like Regan from The Exorcist (except it’s coming from your butt…and maybe your mouth). The human body is an amazing thing.


Technically it’s fast food but it’s not fast food. You have a huge advantage if you’re drunk in New York. Pizza everywhere. A quick slice or two hits the spot and it won’t leave your conscious feeling like you killed a man the night before. Satisfying, unhealthy, and always a contender.

The Diner:

This one is for the warriors. Committing to a full meal with a waitress and all is a bold choice. Going to the diner is hands down the best meal you’re going to get. You’ll probably get breakfast food and it will taste a million times better than any ordinary breakfast. You’ll have the best time while eating and will probably end up recapping your night like you’re hosting the late night SportsCenter. All in all, a fantastic choice.

Street Meat:

You walk out of the bar and BOOM! street meat on the corner. If I leave a bar and there is a sketchy man cooking up what is probably dog and cat meat, 11 times out of 10 I’m buying some. This is a pretty regional one and the actual food can vary but Boston you’re getting a sausage and pepper. Chicago doesn’t roll with street meat which is a God damn crime but whatever. A risky, yet satisfying (and overprice) choice.

Raiding Your Home Fridge:

Well this is the point in the night where you probably got home too late or jumped in a cab and you have no choice but to settle for the fridge. Personally, I hate myself for settling on eating at home. It won’t be a good meal and you’re stuck with shit you already probably wouldn’t eat. HOWEVER, what comes into play here is if you live with roommates. Total game changer. This is where fights break out and fingers are pointed in the morning. You’re probably eating up someone else’s leftovers or taking a little of everything and putting it between two slices of bread. 1000% chance you don’t clean up, making this another choice where you’ll hate yourself, as well as some other people.

Those are the options. If I missed one, toss it out there.


One thought on “Weighing the Best Drunk Food Options

  1. […] are! I think it’s a woman? I’m going 60/40 it’s a woman. Perfect timing after my drunk food options blog. In all honesty, it’s probably good places like Chipotle aren’t open late at night. […]

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