Purple Hearts for Carpal Tunnel Syndrome

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February 18, 2013 9:00 AM by Wade Blogs

Online Gamer

Washington Times – Some warriors inside the Pentagon are amused and angered by outgoing Defense Secretary Leon E. Panetta’s decision to create a prestigious heroism medal for cyber- and drone-combatants who sit inside stations outside a war zone.

Mr. Panetta is exiting the building as a man generally admired by the Pentagon population, including hundreds of those tested in battle, for his hawkish views on killing Islamic terrorists and his devotion to the troops.

But now he is also the brunt of jokes for his announcement Wednesday that he had created the Distinguished Warfare Medal and placed it high on the medal prestige list.

“I suppose now they will award Purple Hearts for carpal tunnel syndrome,” said a retired Green Beret who does contract work for the Pentagon.

Examples of those eligible for the new medal include service members who operate Predator drones over Afghanistan or Pakistan from the shelter of an air base, and military computer whizzes who defeat cyberattacks by China.

Disclaimer: Until about last year I thought it was was “Carpool Tunnel.” Okay I lied, it was until just now.

So Panetta (aka James Gandolfini in Zero Dark Thirty) has been given away medals to people not in combat for sometime now. Granted this is the world we live in and drones will be fighting wars and such but just think. Some fat fuck sipping soda and eating cheetos could be our most decorated military member in the future. All because he can work a joy stick and write computer code.

I’m all for awarding hardwork and success of missions, but create a new line of medal hierarchy for cyber warfare. Make it like Pinterest or Xbox and display all your “shiny” medals you’ve gotten from clicking a mouse…that would be pretty wild. Computer geeks getting medals via online. Thrilling stuff.

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