Picking the NFL Divisional Playoff Winners By Their Spreads

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January 11, 2013 1:00 PM by Billy Heywood


The only “Spread” I care about, is what is on my plate on NFL playoff weekend. Regular “Spreads” have something to do with gambling and whatnot, talk to TeddyKGB about that. I have no clue how to cover spreads, or how to bet. Im no Mathmagician. I am, however, in love with game day snacks. And this is how I pick my winners for the playoffs.

Green Bay Packers @ San Francisco 49ers

This is a great matchup. Good defenses against great offenses. Rematch of earlier in the season when the 49ers jumped out on top and stole one in Lambeau. But I think Rodgers will come out and have a fantastic game, upsetting the 49ers at home.The spread will put Sourdough garlic bread &some fish tacos against cheese, cheese, cheese, and more cheese. Got to go with the obvious choice, because I loooooooove cheese. Go Pack Go!


Baltimore Ravens @ Denver Broncos

Another fantastic matchup in Denver, pitting Ray Lewis and Co. versus a red hot Peyton Manning. I think the Raven’s Defense, as well as their Offense will roll out on a emotional high and give Peyton one of the toughest games of his life. Yeah the Broncos beat the Ravens in Baltimore back earlier in the season, but that was without Ray Lewis and Terrell Suggs. This will be a nail biter and if Flacco doesn’t turn the ball over, I think the Ravens will sneak out a W. The Spread for this game will be some Coors & a nice Denver Omlete against Crab Cakes… I got to go with Baltimore in this one…because thats what Maryland does..


Seattle Seahawks @ Atlanta Falcons

These games keep getting better and better. The Seahawks went into DC and stomped on the Skins. Granted, RGIII went down like a sack of potatoes and deeeestroyed his knee, thus destroying any chance of a comeback for them. I don’t have much faith in Seattle, so Im going to have to go with the Falcons on this one. Their offense is stellar, and their defense is one of the best in the league. I think Matty Ice will redeem himself this year and show us what hes really made of. This spread will consist of Starbucks Coffee versus Peach Cobbler. Not a huge Starbuck’s guy, and I hate people who only drink at it. Fucking 4$ coffee that tastes like ASS. This is without a doubt a W for the Cobbler…Hell, If I could I would put my dong in a nice warm Cobbler…Mhmmhmmmm

peach cobbler

Houston Texans @ New England Patriots (-9.5)

For the finale of NFL Divisional Playoff Weekend, the Texans take on the Patriots. The Pats SKULLFUCKED the Texans back in the regular season, but as we know, it is no indication of how they will do in the playoffs for their second meeting. However, the Texan’s defense is on the decline, and the offense wasn’t anything to write home about…only beating the Bung-als by 6! I think the Patriots will come out early and score quickly. They’ll take the lead on the Texans and never look back. Brady gets better as the clock ticks down, and his experience is unmatched. I hate the Patriots, I do, but I can’t see them losing to the Texans. The spread is the matchup of the century…Texas BBQ vs. New England Clam Chowdah. A motherfucking CLASH OF THE (FOOD) TITANS. TBBQ is unmatched against almost all foods…almost. Its January, so its chowder month…and I can’t not go with the heavy, creamy favorite of the sweet sweet….CHOWDAH!


Safe to say I will gain 15 pounds this weekend…but fuck it right?


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