January 10, 2013 3:00 PM by Billy Heywood
My day is in the shitter already. Lost my wallet and my roommate still hasn’t texted me back from the “iiight give me a minute” text. I’m fucking LIVID. The worst part of today is not bringing lunch because I planned on getting Chipotle…so, I’ll just go fuck myself.
I walk into the break room to see if maybe a higher up bought a spread for a meeting and they had leftovers, but no dice. So I open the fridge and see lunch boxes and plastic bags smushed in there like 50 Cent in Chelsea Handler, and it smells like absolutely horse shit.
I can smell the expired egg salad with a “Suzanne” post it note on it and a moldy PBJ that looks like soil from Middle Earth that’s partially eaten. How does that happen? 1. Did someone take only one bite of PBJ and put it back into the bag?(*sidenote: I would DEMOLISH that PBJ right now, sans the mold*) 2. Someone took a bite of a semi-moldy PBJ, realized it was covered in mold, and instead of throwing it out, they figured that they could just put it back, and no one would notice. 3. It’s one of those “Camouflage” sandwich bags so no one touches it…sly bastards.
What REALLY pisses me off is the “secret spots” in the fridge. You know, the various cupboards, slots, drawers that everyone uses as their own lunch house? FUCK THAT
NOISE. There needs to be order in this office, and it starts with the refrigerator.
If I was office administrator, for my first official act, I would enact a “No Lunch-Box Policy.” No exceptions…at all. Grow up and bring your lunch in a plastic or paper bag. This is what is wrong with America…Adults using lunch-boxes. What’s next? The elderly eating lunchables?!
Secondly, I’d have 4 mini fridges instead. Have to separate the haves and the have-nots. The higher up you are, the less people you have to share a fridge with. The harder you work, the less chance of a Chobani yogurt exploding throughout your bag because Aaron and his 4lb Tupperware full of spaghetti landed on your shit.
Finally, if you bring in fruit, vegetables, or a smelly food (I.e. eggs, fish, foreign meat..etc), you must eat it that day or throw it out. No more of this “I wasn’t hungry, so I was saving it for the afternoon” nonsense because “afternoon” turned into 4 weeks, and now the fridge smells like a old dirty Brazzer’s Studio.
Getting back to my day, I’m standing there, mesmerized at the fact that this fridge hasn’t collapsed on itself like a black hole. As I am searching, looking for maybe a yogurt, or something to keep me going for the rest of the day. Nothing, Nada.
At this point I’m starting to lose hope. But then Gene walks in. Gene comes in the Motherfuckin’ CLUTCH with a “Hey Billy, there is Pizza in the conference room for today’s meeting.”
And at that moment, I was fully torqued and sprinted to the conference room to see a heaven I could only dream of…
A spread of pizza, Pepsi, and above all…free lunch. Free never tasted so good.