January 8, 2013 12:15 PM by Billy Heywood
I love soda. Plain and simple. Coke Zero is my shit. I absolutely hate regular soda. The syrup, and knowing its 300 calories a bottle sickens me…However, as long as I see that 0 calories sign I’m balls deep in that shit. I know studies have shown that diet soda is worse because blah blah blah blah. I don’t give a fuck what is awful for my body, because *news-flash* guys… Everything is bad. Everything is killing us. We will die, sometime or another, because there is 3 things in life that are certain: Death, Taxes, and Magic Johnson is a certified wizard on the court, and in the hospital for beating the SHIT out of AIDS.
But I am getting off topic…So I got shitfaced Friday, alone, again. And I went to Taco Bell because I was hungry as shit. I haven’t gone in eons and I wanted to spice up my Friday night, because going to Domino’s 4 times a week was getting boring. So I walked downtown to get the new buffalo chicken wrap that they’re advertising or whatever, they didn’t have it. Fucking PISSED…
Anywho, I went with my “old-reliable Doritos Locos Box (yes I know, its the only “box” I get HAR HAR HAR, funny joke dad) and grabbed my cup and was standing in awe of the soda machine in front of me. I saw this sweet nectar of the Gods laid in front like it was the ending of Goonies when Mikey finds the treasure…brought me to a tear.
So I guzzle a cup of this before I even open the box. Feeling the sanctification of the sweet diabetic substance covering my gullet with goodness and needed more. As I demolished my Box meal, I couldn’t help to think that i was indeed, in heaven…
Finished the box, grab a refill for the walk home, and started drinking the minute I left the door…But I was disgusted at what I was drinking. Maybe I wasn’t drunk anymore, but the Baja Blast tasted like Baja Bullshit. Literally Bull-Shit…like shit from a bull. I couldn’t drink it, so I went back inside and dumped it out, re-filled, took a sip and was instantly satisfied again. My pupils dilated like Requiem for a Dream.
Walked out, drinking the SAME drink, and was instantly grossed out again…did this probably 2 more times, and Hector from behind the counter thought I was high on bath salts or something.
Could it be that this magical, mouthwatering mixture of a delicious diabetic greatness can only be truly consumed within the borders of taco bell?
Try this yourself. I neeeeed to know if this is a “thing” or do I have Moutheimzer’s.
Sidenote: Do you know you can’t get Baja Blast anywhere but TacoBell?! This is kinda cocky of Mountain Dew to…..dew (get it?)
They even have their own site: