Ranking the Light Beer Industry’s Can/Bottle Benefits

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January 7, 2013 12:30 PM by Smash

MCB

If you’re over the age of 16, you’ve seen these RIDICULOUS “benefits” to light (lite) beer bottles and cans (“But my son/daughter is 16 and does NOT drink alcohol!”…sorry they do and you’re delusional).

Before I even break down any of these items, lets get one thing straight: all domestic light beers are terrible. By all I mean: Miller Lite, Bud Light, and Coors Light. “Ughhh but X tastes better than Y!” Sure, you’re probably right. But guess what? They all taste like beer flavored water. You don’t drink any of the above for the taste. You either drink them because you’re watching calories or you’re drinking them to get drunk. And lets be serious, 99.9% of anyone reading this is drinking them to get drunk.

Lets start with Coors Light:

Coors Wide Mouth

I’m pretty sure they were the first to introduce the wide mouth can. Now this was somewhat of a gamechanger. So much so Pepsi and everyone else followed. I could be 110% wrong but I’m pretty confident that’s what happened. Could have been a fairytale my dad told me as a child but lets stick to it. Widemouth cans were a revelation at the time and if you think about it…are still used today. Great play Coors.

Super Cold

As great as the widemouth cans were/are, the stupid fucking cold label is easily the worst addition to any can or bottle to date. “It lets you see how cold the Rockies are!” No…no it doesn’t. It shows how cold my cooler is. And you know what? If my cooler is filled with ice at a tailgate, I fucking hope my beer is cold. I don’t need a double blue bar to say when it’s cold. If you want something that will really blow our minds you might as well make an app that alerts us when our beer is cold (I won’t claim this as my own but you can send your royalty checks straight to me).

Moving on to Miller Lite:

Vortex

First, they came out with the vortex bottles. Yeah, it was much different from the standard widemouth cans but what was it exactly? Apparently, it’s supposed to create a “vortex” (see? not just a clever name) that perfectly pours the beer into the glass. First of all, if anyone is focusing that much on pouring a fucking domestic light beer into a glass to begin with, they’re psychopaths and you should leave wherever you are. Secondly, it does NOTHING. A small little cut in the glass with make the beer flow out of my bottle perfectly?! Shut. The. Fuck. Up. It won’t. Never did. Never will.

Next, another item in the Miller Lite family, the “punch top:”

Miller-Lite-Punch-Top-Can

The punch top is hands down the most practical application of these ridiculous items. Ever single other thing doesn’t do a fucking thing. At least this lets you chug down terrible beer much quicker than the rest of the competition. It creates an easy to punch hole to allow air flow for beer to exit the can quicker. Yeah, you could do this to any other can but this is incorporated. Can’t say I know much about…physics? but this at least works.

And finally, Bud Light:

Bud Light

Now, I’m not a Bud Light fan. Anyone who knows me will tell you I don’t like Bud Light. I’m not going to NOT drink it, but it’s certainly not my first choice. But here’s the thing: Bud Light knows it’s boundaries. You don’t see them busting out any stupid gimmicks. The only thing they really do from the rest of the group is make a beer that’s made exclusively for getting shitfaced: Bud Light Platinum  Other than that, they bottle their stupid light beer and call it a day. They’re not American? Well they kept their American ways. Simple, easy to drink, and cheap. What more could you ask for? Gotta tip your hat to them. None of these dumb stunts. Beer in a can. America.

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