Cats Are Terrible


November 29, 2012 1:00 PM by Smash

When I originally finished typing this, Billy has just sent me his post on the cat video-bombing the news anchor on Good Morning America. This was not planned at all but ended up working better than 2 Columbians harvesting coffee beans.

Now before I get going, I know about 40% of people that read this will not agree and get defensive as shit. I do not care and I probably wouldn’t like you anyway. Cats are hands down the worst pet you could possibly have. There isn’t even an argument here. Cats fucking suck. I’m not even going to make this a cats vs. dogs discussion, since dogs are obviously the best and only pet people should bring into their homes.

Here’s why cats are terrible:

They’re so fucking sneaky. You could be sitting on your couch and out of nowhere BOOM! cat brushes against your leg, or worse, rips your face off while you sleep. I wouldn’t put it past one of those slimy bastards.

They shit in your house. What else is there to say? They shit in a fucking box and you scoop it up. It’s like Planet of the Apes or something. Just shouldn’t happen.

They’re boring and they’re dumb. They don’t come when you call them, they don’t play with you, again, they hate your guts and make you pick up their shit, and they’re mean. Fuck that.

Their owners are usually the worst. Cats seems to be like drugs for these people. You get one cat and then you can’t stop. One cat leads to another, and another, and another. And if you try to tell me “but my cat acts just like a dog!” shut the fuck up and stop lying to me, yourself, and everyone else.

I could go on and on about how terrible these animals are but those are the things that constantly remind me of how awful those creatures are. Lions, tigers, jaguars, etc are ok in my book cause they’re not pussies (pun wasn’t but was intended there, deal with it).

Oh, and if I’m ever mid conversation with you and you bring up that you have cats, the conversation is over. I’m not even kidding.

6 thoughts on “Cats Are Terrible

  1. dirtdaubber says:

    It’s OK – SOMEbody has to like dogs!!!

  2. […] is not a national hero limited to New Zealand, but a universal hero. You may or may not know, but I fucking hate cats. Loathe them. This is the smartest campaign I’ve ever heard of. He was probably sitting in […]

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