November 27, 2012 11:45 AM by Billy Heywood
It’s CHRISTMAS TIME BITCHES!
And to start off the best time of the mother fuckin year, I’m going through the top 10 best Christmas movies ever! I swear if I get any emails saying “uh Billy, your list is dumb you forgot the greats you dumb assmuncher!” I will swifty reply and come to your house and beat you with a sock full of quarters.
Kicking off the list:
#10 A Muppet Christmas Carol
A classic Christmas tale with a twist! The motherfuckin Muppets! The dynamic duo of the rat and Gonzo killin it! Kermit and Miss Piggy’s broke ass and their kids make me cry every time.
#9 Bad Santa
Black midgets, Billy Bob Thorton and Bernie Mac (RIP) enough said.
#8 Polar Express
Based on the #1 best selling book of all time, next to the Bible, this movie was absolutely amazing, no matter how old you are. Brings out the kid in you every time. Plus, how can Tom Hanks with a mustache running around kidnapping children in a magical train that apparently doesn’t wake up anyone else except for 2 fucking kids on the street NOT be great?
#7 A Christmas Story
Fra-geeee-lay. Not gonna lie that lamp gets me 1/2 chubbed. Yeah I said it, so what? The flagpole dare will go down in history as the best dare ever…ever! I do hate the fact how it’s on 24/7 though on TNT/TBS on Christmas Eve. Come on, weeeeee get it, put on another Christmas movie already.
#6 Home Alone and Home Alone 2
This was a toughy. My first draft I had these two 3 and 4, but after much deliberation (and by deliberation I mean lunch) I decided to bump these up to 5. We all know that Home Alone 2 is the better of the two, hands down. Him in New York City alone was every kids dream…and pedophiles dream too. If I had my parents credit card and was in New York City, I’d probably just check into a Marriot and order top notch escorts like it was going out of style!
But Kevin killed it in the first one as well. “Buzzzzzz you better come pound me, I’m going through your stuuuuff!” or “Buzz’s girlfriend….WOOF!” makes me shart myself no matter when I watch it. Don’t get me started on the booby traps. Not even Stephen Hawking could make up those devices. And with a duo like the “wet bandits,” shit could have gotten REAL WEIRD for Kevin.
#5 The Santa Clause
Tim Allen as good ole St.Nick. Taking his son to Denny’s on Christmas Eve is such a Tim Allen move. The elves breaking Santa out of jail lead by the Jewwy elf kinda ruined it for me. But Tim Allen’s one liners are well worth the time to sit through this.
#4 Jingle All the Way
Ahhhnold, Sinbad, Baby Anakin Skywalker, and the guy who did at least 100 voices on the Simpsons. Modern day CLASSIC. And if you think this movie sucked, there’s a special place for you…it’s called Hell…or Rosie O’Donnell’s underwear drawer.
#3 Just Friends
Best movie for the high school fat kids and “friend zone” idiots, aka the story of my life. Well all that minus working for a record company, fucking a music superstar and living in New Jersey. Completely fine with the latter though. Dusty Dinklemen is still to the day one of my favorite movie characters ever.
These next 2 were very very very very hard to pick.
Gut bustingly funny from beginning to end. Kid friendly, but adult jokes are there too. He must have eaten 10 cotton balls throughout that movie. And you get to see a blonde Zoe Deschunel-orhoweveryouspellit. Buddy was a certified creeper in the shower, but his swagger peaked with his Russian hat and spaghetti in a ziplock bag. Doesn’t hurt that your step mom is a MILF. Fap fap fap fap fap.
#1 Christmas Vacation
National Lampoon’s funniest movie next to Animal House. Chevy Chase is my favorite comedian and this whole movie touched base with about 99% of the population. Awful in-laws, weird cousins, obnoxious decorations and family bonding. I must watch this 45 times every December. It also has the best quote of any movie…ever.
Merry Christmas ass jockeys.