The 5 Best Foods You Can Never Have Again

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November 8, 2012 11:44 AM by Billy Heywood

Remember way back in the day at lunch trading cans of Original Arizona Iced-T for a nice HI-C Pink Lemonade or Ecto-Cooler?  Or how about some Dunk-a-roos for a fresh sack of Doritos 3D?  Man those were the days. Now parents are getting all healthy and what not because their kids are obese blah blah blah.  These heavenly treats were the highlight of my day after a nice game of kickball at recess.

5. Butterfinger BB’s

Butterfinger is the best candy bar in the world and I will fight you to the death if you think otherwise.  Perfect mixture of peanut butter flaky shit with chocolate wrapped around it.  Yeah it’s fake as hell, so what, but what candy isn’t?  And it was stuck in your teeth all day aka, they were the most bang for your buck and who wouldn’t want a mouth full of that for a day?  And you might be asking yourself “how did you go a day without getting that out of your molars?”  I have a simple answer for that, annnnd it’s that I never ever ever ever used to brush my teeth…still don’t…

4. The Super Size

If you’re like me and you LOVE soda, you got to lay awake some nights longing for that super size Mr.Pibb.  That was the only thing that could purge my sins from eating a grotesque super sized Double Quarter Pounder with cheese.  Maybe it’s best for America, and the world that this monster is caged.

3. Oreo-O’s

I remember waking up for school and being a mess.  My grandma would throw on my clip on tie because I was too lazy to reach around my chubbisicle neck and do it myself.  But when I knew I had Oreo-Os on deck for breakfast and I was a man possessed.  I would be dressed and ready to go before it was 7am, hell I looked like Christian Bale from American Psycho; hair slicked back ready to crush it in the schoolyard after 1 maybe 2 bowls of Oreo-O’s.  Shit was my Jacked before it was cool to take N.O. Explode!  And the best part was the milk after I ate my way through it.  It went down my gullet and made me feel more alive than Jaret Leto after his 3rd hit in Requiem for a Dream.

2. Doritos 3D

Next to pizza flavored Pringles, these are my all time favorite chips.  These weren’t just sold in a regular bag, but also sold in a canister mini sized!  So anytime you wanted to get your d wet to some D-oritos you could pull it out and suck it down like Lisa Ann in a Peter North production.  These things were de-mother-fucking-licious.  I think I’d give my left big toe for a lifetime supply of it.  You might be asking yourself, “Billy, why your left big toe, it’s essential to balance and walking” and I’d say in reply….”shut the fuck up…I got diabetes anyway, might as well give it up before my doctors and my mom force me to amputate it.

Finally at #1, it’s a tie between…

1. Pepsi-Blue and HI-C Ecto Cooler

It’s a clash of the titans when it comes to #1, but I can’t really decide on which is better.  The bottom line is that these sweet nectars of the gods are forever gone.  No more lunches where you beg…like a dawg for your mom to buy Ecto Cooler so you can be popular at school.  No more field trips to Walt Whitman’s house where you stop at a deli before and guzzle 1, maybe 2 on the bus ride there while listening to the latest Blink 182 or “Now (whatever #)! That’s what I call Music!” on your discman.  No one could ever feel my pain and sadness that these 2 juggernauts are forever out of our lives.


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