October 31, 2012 11:34 AM by Billy Heywood
People Who Give Out Gross Ass Candy
First off, if you’re not giving out Reese’s, Snickers or Twix, you’re dead to me on Halloween, plain and simple, and probably every other day of the year too. These people would give out Mary Jane (not that sticky icky), Carefree gum (spearmint or bubblegum), Mounds, and candy corn. You’re basically putting small pieces of shit into my bag. This is the candy you usually give to your mom after she asks to give her some, not because she’s a selfish mom, but because you’re pushing 200lbs when your 14 and she is looking out for your juvenile diabetes…just me?
The Ill Prepared for Halloween/People Who Make You Walk Into Their House
You ever get to a house, and you ring the doorbell, waiting..waiting…waiting just to have the door opened to a 30 something year old drunk who just woke up from an alcohol infused nap (which I am guilty of on the reg) just for him to realize it’s Halloween and he has no candy and awkwardly puts a pack of tissues and a half eaten pack of Dentyne Ice in your bag. You both just stand there questioning if what happened was real or not.
Or, you could encounter a nice old lady who invites you into the house so she can go get the candy for you. You walk in, and see a shit ton of Reader’s Digests dating back to the fucking civil war, plastic coverings on the couches (like it was a MILFhunter studio) and pictures of her 100 fucking grandkids. She then brings you practically through a maze to her living room where she gets the bag, more like burlap sack full of ridiculous gross candy that looks like she wrapped it herself. After she smiles at you and says “Happy Halloween!”, you get out of there faster than Indiana Jones and the huge ass rolling ball…
People Who Give Out Something Other Than Candy
These people, oh boy, really piss me off. Halloween is the one-day a year where the fat kid reigns supreme. The more candy you get, the more ass you get…simple economics. But that plan is foiled when the single mom who works for the Department of Health gives out pretzels…like honestly, fucking pretzels? I’d rather get for Halloween then pretzels. Now don’t get me wrong, pretzels are my shit, put it on peanut butter sandwiches, or scoop them with some French onion dip (#bonerrightnow). But on Halloween it’s candy only. That’s it…nothing else, however pretzels, wont be the only non-candy hell you’ll experience today.
“Change” isn’t just an Obama slogan. It’s also an awful trick people will play on you today. Usually old ladies will give out pennies and nickels. Yeah way back when in the 80’s and 90’s you could pull together some nice pocket change with that. But today, woof, you cant even get Bazooka gum anymore for 5 cents. You’re practically giving out ammo for kids to destroy not only each other, but cars and houses. You know how much a penny to the fucking tooth hurts? I’d rather get my nuts stomped by Helga Pataki than face that pain again… but nothing hurts more than on Halloween when someone gives you a…
Glove full of popcorn. The most disturbing treat, just fucking weird and gross. Moms think it’s cool and special, but it’s not. This is definitely a grade school art project they do on Halloween in a Deaf Academy. It’s weird and no one likes it, and skeeves me out.
Please Take One
When you get back from school, or in this case, wake up from 3 days off because of Hurricane Sandy, you need to hit these houses first, because if you go to a “Please Take One” late, you can kiss your candy goodbye. You need to hit the ground running, literally jog around your neighborhood and run, actually SPRINT, to that house. Because it’s a dog eat dog world out there and if you’re not first, you’re last.
People Who Are Home But Don’t Believe In Halloween
Remember the scene in Big Daddy when he takes Julian “Frankenstein” trick or treating? They go to a guy’s house and he intimidates him into giving him mints, a Rolex and CD’s. Yeah, well for one, that would never happen in real life, because no one in there fucking right mind would just give up a fucking Rolex to someone who is grinding his teeth at me and telling me to give my kid candy. No chance in hell. Anywho, I’m getting off topic, these people make you wait forever after ringing the bell 5 times, you see the car in the driveway, you see the lights on in the house, for fuck sake, sometimes they will be in his flower garden and just say “uh we don’t have any candy, run along”…and that should be a red flag immediately since her just dropped a “run along” and he’s in his fucking garden.
Any who, if you’re 21 like me, it’s ok to trick or treat. Just bring a lil girl or guy with you or get drunk and do it with your roommates. Just NEVER go alone, because then everyone will think you’re a pedophile.