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October 26, 2012 2:30 PM by Billy Heywood

Halloween is fast approaching and what I love most about this great holiday is that you can literally be anything you want, and no one gives a hoot.  Guys could go the dumb route (bloody tampon, penis costume, “Free Mammograms) the “I’m funny but unoriginal” (Fallopian Swim Team guy, Dead Celebrity, Guido etc.), The “Thrift Store Hobo”, or the straight up creepy (Pedophile or cross dresser)…

However girls costumes are much much more simpler, considering there are only 5 types of girls on Halloween:

5. Sluts

This is an easy one. These types of girls want one thing, and one thing only…meat.  And they are looking to get trashed and bashed.  These are the sexy cops, sexy nurses, sexy construction workers, sexy firefighters or burlesque dancers…literally all the same.  Take any guys costume, cut all of it in half, and throw in a “sexy” in front of it and boom, costume.  These girls are typically sub par, looking at a talent average of a 6, some hotties in there, but usually the hotter she is, the less slutty she’ll be, so boys, strap up, because if you want some ass, you’re in for a real dragon slay tonight.

4. Hot girls (who have boyfriends at home so they won’t dress up slutty, but actually will just go out and buy a really big costume and wear leggings and a t-shirt):

These girls will go out with their roommates and just have a good ole time not looking for any D whatsoever.  Swing and a miss.

3. Funny Fat Girls

These girls know exactly what they really look like, and know that a guy is more likely to get with someone with a hilarious costume, than with a gal who looks like a sausage being stuffed into a dime bag.  These girls will absolutely win every contest they’re in with their Chris Farley, keg, or any members of the Solar System costume they rock.

2. Fat Girls Who Think They’re Skinny

Woof… where do I begin?  These girls are usually solo, so picking them up is nothing to be proud of.  These girls think they are a size 3, when they are rocking men’s slacks 33×22.  These girls are hefty hefty hefffffty, yet think that they can squeeze into a Disney princess child size costume…Cue the losing horn because the amount of self esteem once their hooves are in the door will drop quicker than their bank accounts after a midnight meal at Sonic.  Stay away because there is no way in hell that your night will end pretty after sailing the high seas for these whales.

Which leads me to the last type of costume you are guaranteed to see this Halloweekend…

1. The Group Girls

These girls are dressing up as a group, whether it’ll be Mean Girls, Fanta Girls, Lax Bros, Nerds, or even a Lingerie football team.  Going on with this example, you’ll typically have a 1st round draft pick leading the pack.  She’s a certified dick smasher and the Belle of the Ball.  But hold on, she’s protected by her offensive line made up of 1, maybe 2 lesbians, real rug munchers, a decent pair journeymen guards who are a 7 on their best day and the ghoul at center. This girl is a straight up beast, from the depths of Narnia she was born.  Hopefully you have a solid group of bros because its gonna be a team effort to pull this one out of your ass.


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